My heart still cries out for you,
but my eyes no longer do
After all the pain I've felt,
and after all that I've been through.
I'll admit you were good for me,
that much of this is true.
You helped me keep my sanity
but you never really knew,
How much pain I really felt inside
'cause none of it shone through.
Through the front I put up to the world,
but most of all to you.
I hid the way I felt inside
for I feared you'd feel them too.
And nothing but tears filled my eyes
at the thought of you feeling blue.
Looking back at the past,
there are a lot of things I'd redo
but most of all I wish I could change,
the fact that I'm still Missing you...

Numb

I no longer feel
and I no longer cry.
My heart no longer beats for you
and I don't quite know why.

Although I still feel
a part of me is missing.
Never again will I find myself
wishing.

Wishing you were by my side,
here to keep we warm.
Because I realize now
when your around,
I do the most harm.

I do harm not to others,
but to myself.
This is only because I couldn't
express how i felt.

Now as I express my feelings,
not a tear leaves my eyes.
I don't feel a thing,
so why would I cry.

~My Thoughts~

I don't quite know what I want from you,
and I don't quite know if you care.
You tell me that you still love me,
and you'll always be there.
I can't help but wonder if you're just telling me,
what you think I want to hear.
I wish it wern't so hard for me to express
the way I feel for you,
but know I have fellings deep enough to swim in
and they're all for you.
My love,
pure and true!

All That I Am

I am nothing but a scared
little girl moments away from a
relapse.

Some say my drug of choice
is my blade,
because I am a sadest.

In truth,
My drug of choice is anything that brings
pain driven by my desire to
forget.

To forget any and everything from
my past
that has caused me to hurt myself.

Honestly,
all that I am is a mystery.
Even to me!

My Eyes

They say the eyes are the window to the soul,
But why doesn't anyone see the pain mine hold.
Does everyone just ignore me and brush me to the side.
Or does everyone keep quiet to shelter my pride.
My eyes give away so much more than my words
because what you see, is much more than you heard.
The tears that fall from these eyes give away much more than pain.
They also allow you to see the complete and utter disdain.
Held for the life i live deep down inside,
only being revealed through
My Eyes.

Because of My Past

Beacause of you my past,
I can never look forward to the future
for I fear there is no future for me
without you in it.

Beacause of you my past,
I will continue to hurt
the ones that come after you,
including myself.

Beacause of you
every relatinship that came after you
has ended in turmoil
and I miss you even more.

Because of you my past
I dred seeing you
for I fear nothing but tears
will fill my eyes.

Because of you my past,
I will remember you forever
and love no one
like I've loved your before.

Because of my past.

The Tear

The tear that rolls down my cheek
releases nothing but pain.
It releases all the pain I've kept
concealed for all these years.

I've kept it concealed out of fear.
Fear that the ones I hold close,
would shun me
just as so many have done before.

Left to confide in myself
using a blade to take away all
that has caused me pain.

Left with every thought of
the ones who gave me life,
dripping with disdain.

Left with one tear rolling
down my cheek as the
cycle begins again.

What You See

When you look at me I bet
all you see is a pretty face.
What you don't see are my eyes.

The eyes that reveal all the pain.
The pain I not only possess,
but the pain I hide from the world.

I hide my pain from the world
that has shunned me and made me afraid.
It has made me afraid to tell the ones I hold close
how I feel
out of fear that they too
will shun me.

When you look at me I bet
all you see is a pretty smile.
What you don't see is that it's a
front.

A front that shelters my pain.
The smile you see allows me to protect myself.
It allows me to save face.

It allows me to deflect the questions
I so despretly wish to ignore.

What you see is the superficial.
You dont see the real me,
the me that society along with myself
wishes to hide.

You don't see
the disturbed individual
that so despretly seeks to leave
this harsh world.

Leave the world where everything
isn't
What you see.

The End

The light that now shines down upon me
is not one that is a ray of hope,
but the means to an end.

Should I walk into my fate,
and run away form my reality?

Should I stay for thoes who love me,
or leave for the sake of humteanity?

Am I that much of a hazard to myself,
or am I just loosing it?

Is the blood really leaking from my veins,
or am I just imagining it?

Finally, I have come to terms
with the fate of my reality
and the light shining on me.

Im leaving for good,
for I believe this is what I need.
The ends to my means.

Tears fill my eyes
as I sit and wait in silence.
Wait for my life to change.
Change in a way
so that I feel no
pain.
The pain I've concealed for so long,
so long that I am no longer
able to contain.
Contain the tears from falling.
Fallimg from the eyes that reveal my struggle.
My struggle to remain on earth.
The place we live in,
the place where I fear I don't belong,
the place where I have no home.
No one to run to,
no one to talk to.
I fear I'm all
ALONE.

A Myth

What seemed to be a myth,
now only existed
in the light
of dark.

What seemed to
make me cry,
now made me
smile.

I became stronger,
mind and body alike.
Almost
insane.

I no longer shreiked
at the sound of thunder,
but anticipated its
every roll.

The loud BOOM
seemed to entice me.

It was as if it were
the 4th of July,
the lightning was my
fireworks.

The excitement alone
had my blood pumping.

My heart beating so hard,
I could not catch my breath,
and I didnt want to.

The adernaline and blood
pumped as though
i were cutting my own flesh,
and watching the blood leak.

What seemed to be a myth,
now only existed in the dark
of my soul.

Is this it

All of my serching may have come to an end,
maybe I'm just giving up
because I've lost all my friends.
Is this it,am I finaly done.
Is this all I have to offer,
has my time really come?

All I've done may have been for nothing,
that empty space I so despretly seeek to fill
may be empty forever.
Is this it, if so God's plan was very clever.
He planned on dealing me this terrible hand,
knowing I'd fold under pressure.
Knowing I wouldn't be able to win this game,
throwing it all away,keeping in all my pain.

If this is the end, I'd have to admit
I've come really far,
even though I had lost all my friends.
I lost some in the worst ways possible,
and the others driffted away.
In the back of my mind,
I secretly wish someone would stay.
Saty with me through the times I thought
I couldnt go on.
And the times I'd wished I'd gone.

Far far away from here,
in a place you couldn't think of.
Or maybe you don't want to.
And quite frankly, I don't blame you.

Im trapped in these thoughts of mine
and I can't help but think.
I don't deserve to be here
and I'm just a waste of skin.
A waste of the air I breathe,
every breath i take.
I sometimes think my entire existance
was just a big mistake.

Now I sit here thinking,
as I'm lying in a ditch.
What have I become,
Is this really it?

My Pillow

My best friend
is my pillow.
It holds all my true feelings,
it keeps my secrets,
Secrets in the form of tears.
Tears that collect in my best friend,
the only one I can lean on and reveal how I really feel.
Reveal all that ive kept from the world.
The world that has shunned me and my feelings.
Shunned me so that Im forced to confide in
my best friend,
my pillow.

Temptation

I'm standing on the corner waiting,
waiting in the rain.
I look down and see a blade and can't help but think I'm tempted by fate.
That was the only thing that I used,
to take away my pain.
Now i stand waiting with the rain dripping down my face.
Contemplating my actions
I think about fractions.
I think about dividing my veins in two.
I think about leaving.
I think about giving in to
temptation.

R.I.P

Gone but not forgotten,
your memory will forever live on.
Your voice replaying in my head
as if it were a bad song.

Everyday we all loose friends
but new ones come along.
The way that you left us,
was the worst of all.

I cannot help but let
these tears fall from my eyes
as the thought of you looking down on me from up above.

We're all left here wondering why
someone like you had died.
We all wish you were here
but now only your memory lives on.

R.I.P Yolanne

Before

I remember before,
when I couldn't find the words,
the words to describe,
describe the way I felt
because my feelings were unknown,
even to me.
Now that I've finally found them,
it seems too late.
To late to make things right by me and you,
because the feelings you once had
are no longer true.
Before when you said those words I believed you,
you said them with such sincerity,
they had to be true.
But now I realize it was all a game,
I'd been played for a fool.
Left there with my feelings hanging out there,
out there to b crushed.
But they weren't.
I took them all in.
I took them in with hope that someone would,
just as you did,
before.

Why

Why speak when no one will listen?
Why waste words that only seem to fall on deaf ears?
Why wake up everyday when everything in you wants to take an endless nap?
Why not cut a little deeper?
Why should I live,when I'm not worthy of my flesh?
Why breathe when every breath I take is of this filthy air?
Why try to make friends when I'd rather be alone?
Why continue to post my feelings when the person I really want to see them,doesn't know my blog exists?

Late Nights

Late nights always make me think.
Think about the past,
and what I miss the most.
They make me think about how empty I aM,
I'm almost like a ghost.
I have nothing left,
and it makes me cry.
Suddenly a river of tears
are pouring from my eyes.
An endless cycle,
one I hope to end.
But late nights return,
and the tears begin again.

NOt even a smile remains

The good times come and go
So do the people around me
But not even a smile remains

I hide my face in shame
As the tears begin to fall
then u make it all better
But I dont feel at all
Not even a smile remains

No matter what you do to piss me off
No matter how mad I may get
You seem to make it all better
Yet nOt even a smile crosses my face

You see within my eyes
And look past that crooked smile
U try to make me happy
Even for just a while

You persist even when nothing works
And quite frankly
I feel bad

That no matter what you do
You can't erase my feelings
Of being sad
And through it all

Not even a smile remains.

Tired

I'm tired,
Mentally,physically, and emotionally.
I'm tired of pretending.
Pretending that everythings okay,
And it isn't killing me to stay.
Stay in a place where I fear I don't belong.
Where I fear no one knows the pain I do,
So no one understands.
Understands why I do the things I do,
and understand that somethings I cant control.
Understand that even some things
Time can't erase.
I'm just so very
Tired!

It seems like nothing makes me smile,
And everything makes me cry.
I'm reminded of the fun we had
And your love that was a lie.
You said thoes words,
But how much of it did you mean.
Now your with a new girl,
And expect me to be green?
I've slowly learned
You don't even know what thoes words mean.
Now all I dO is pity you
Because you've lost something real,
And you will Neva really truly know
The way that I feel!

Choices

We all have to live with the choices that we've made.
But why are my choices driving me insane,
all of them seem to release so much pain.
Truly feeling alone in this world i realize one thing,
that I dont know what im missing.
So all along i've been sriving to find something
that may never exist,
or may never have existed!
So now i dont even know why i've persisted.
Now i have to face the fact that the choices i've made,
may have taken me away from the one thing I want,
the one thing i've been missing all along!
And now i have to live with it...my choices.

*Thought*

I feel more alone than ever...
its like im the only one on the face of the earth or
everyones here, but no one will acknowlege my pressense.
It's like i dont even exist!

All I Know

Sleepless nights are all I know,
awake and alone i lie.
I lay with tears rolling down my face,
on my pillow they collect
as do my thoughts.
I drift away into a world where I have no problems
or worries.
Now tears arnt all I shed.
Dripping from my wrists are my problems.
They leave while adrenaline enters,
a complete state of euphoria.
The only happiness I've known,
for the moment.
But the sleepless nights return...